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I don’t know how many parts there will be to this “Grief & Grieving.” Maybe 5, as in the five stages of grief? Who knew it would become a series. Or maybe, if I’m not careful, an endless litany, because I cannot control when the bouts of sadness will hit again full force. Like right now. Nothing “caused” it, and if you’ve experience the loss of a loved one, you will likely agree with me that there is no inherent cause for grief submerged to suddenly overflow again, other than that the person died in the first place.

Even though virtual visits with my MIL were more frequent than actual visits, I miss her. Rarely did I see her without a smile, and that was typically when she was engrossed in figuring out Sudoku or a good word for Scrabble. She is the one who taught me, years ago, not to be afraid of Scrabble, and proved to me that I can enjoy it.

I miss her laughing with my son. She is the one who reminds him to keep his room tidy. She is the one who, every. single. time. signed “I love you” to him before getting off of Skype. From the time he was a wee babe. He learned that from her, and he knows her for that.

I miss her efforts to be a good mom for her son. And for her daughters. She wanted to talk (at least) weekly, and to find out what her children had been up to and how they had been feeling. She wanted to know about their spouses, and their children. She supported them the way she knew how, and I want her to know that her very presence was enough. We love her still.

One way to honor her life, I think, is to focus on being content with where I am, just like she was. I am still seeking a physical way to this. The thing I know she put a lot of energy is Christmas. She just loved decorating for Christmas. I’m pondering if there is a way to embrace her life and continue her memory with a Christmas-themed… something. Or maybe there is something I am missing that she also put a lot of effort in (notice I am using someTHING, because we’ve already discussed how much she put into her family).

Someone suggested creating a memory book for her with my son, and I want to do just that. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since her passing. I expected to get choked up then, not now.

What books/websites/other can you direct me and others like me to explore?

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