Chronic. Ongoing. Endless. Ceaseless. Continuing.
Are you suddenly armed with a ready defense, with a feeling of distress, perhaps? It’s no wonder the word conjures up negative feelings. It is, after all, often used in conjunction with some sort of disease. Or as many have said, dis-ease.
I am battling the chronic feeling of negativity right now. Thanks to the chronic kidney disease (CKD) with which I have been labeled.
At first, I accepted that – albeit begrudgingly – simply as that: a label. As the years have progressed, however, and my kidney problems do indeed persist, I am reaching a point of surrender that this is fact, and more than merely a label.
Surrender is another one of those words that can conjure up feelings of resistance and negativity. But surrender is not necessarily giving up, when seen with a broader perspective: Surrender=Acceptance=Peace
With my disease (CKD) comes dis-ease. My physical health (CKD) leads to emotional stress (dis-ease) and it becomes a vicious two-part cycle. With my surrender to the fact that CKD is indeed a fact, I will reach acceptance.
But oh, the battle rages within as I argue against my ‘lot’ in my life, even though I know peace is impending!
How do I know this, you ask, if I am not yet there? Because I have been there. And I will be there again. I have experienced this path leading to peace. And sometimes my CKD becomes but a memory and I am allowed my peace. Until it rears its ugly head again, and I again must face it, head-on. Sometimes I face it with strength and determination, confident that I can handle this yet again (still, really).
Other times, like right now, even though my physical body is doing so well, my emotions wreak havoc, causing my throat to tighten and tears to fall. Because there is never only one aspect to any situation. This begets that begets that. Illness is very costly, with or without a regular income. Compromises must be made. And yet I remember:
My goal is to look at that which is chronic in my life (my health is not my only chronic issue! ha) and to acknowledge it – not bury it under the rug until it rears it’s ugly head again. If I don’t acknowledge it I can never enter the pathway to peace about it. And, for me, at least, surrender is a many-layered process (like the layers of an onion – and just as unpleasant to reach!).
Because surrender has been so difficult for me in this particular situation, the acceptance-to-peace trek of the journey has been rather short-lived within each layer. That does not diminish the relief I feel each time I reach that point of peace, however. All it means is that when I lose my peace, and then the acceptance, and return to the belief that I have no health concerns… Well! Let’s just say the descent into that false belief is a slippery slope that I at once enjoy and regret. Isn’t nice to just slip into unreality, sometimes? After all, that’s why we read novels or watch movies, right? While I create my own reality as much as I know how to, I am chronically drawn up short to the fact that CKD persists.
And so when I’ve descended into disbelief of having a chronic health disease I must re-boot my fragile emotions find the strength to move forward.
Perhaps you have something chronic in your life. Chronically bad relationships. Or chronic financial troubles. There are some things we have control of in our lives. Those things we can change. For the things we have no control over, we do what we can, pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps to Just. Keep. Going. Because, honestly, we don’t have much choice in the matter. And, truthfully, there are far better things in our lives than there are bad.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at your best friend. Your favorite family member(s). Your pet. Your significant other. People brighten our days and give us strength to accept – or change! – our chronic challenges.
And you know what – those loved ones – they chronically love us. They will not cease. Their love is ongoing. Endless. Continuing. Persistent.
Let us persist despite our chronic challenges! May weAcknowledge. Surrender. Accept. And live in peace.